Understanding Covert Narcissism (Essential Information You Need To Know) – Marisa Peer

– Hi, this is Marisa, and today I’m talking about
something really important. What to do when you are living
with a covert narcissist. (gentle classical music) (upbeat music) Narcissists are actually
incredibly difficult to deal with because their belief is
there’s nothing wrong with them and everything is wrong
with everybody else. And, in fact, I train amazing
therapists all over the world and the few people we don’t treat, we don’t treat very much, are narcissists. So if you are living
with a covert narcissist, here’s your life. Everything is your fault. Everything is wrong with you. Nothing you’re going to do will ever make your narcissistic partner
or parent get better, because there’s nothing wrong with them and everything is wrong with you. And everything is wrong with people. Remember Narcissist fell in
love with his own reflection. What he liked about himself, of course, you can be a female narcissist. So, if you are living
with a covert narcissist, you’re married to one, you’re dating one, you’ve married into a family where your mother-in-law, father-in-law, your parent is one, do not try to change
yourself to make them better. And don’t try to change them. Don’t ever go, “Hey, you know Mom, you know what you were complaining about? Well, I found something
that will help you.” Because they don’t need help. And if you put in the effort, “Okay, I seem to really antagonise my Mom when I do this or that. Why don’t I change my behaviour?” It’s a complete waste of your time. Narcissists are very unhappy but they never look at themselves. Oddly enough, because Narcissist fell in
love with his reflection, that sounds very odd. Narcissists do not ever
look at their own behaviour. They don’t question it. They’ll say “Everyone else
is wrong, I’m always right.” I met one and she said to me “You know what, the
problem is I’m never wrong. I’m always right. Everyone else is wrong”. And that’s hard work. So I’d love to say, you
know, I’ve got in my pocket a bit of advice I can give
you to make your life better. Well, actually I have. Stop trying to change yourself. You will never make them
better by changing you. Keep doing what you’ve always done. Live your life. Understand that person is in deep pain and its not your fault and you can’t make their pain better. When someone comes to me and goes “Here’s my pain. Could
you make it better?” I go “Yeah, but you have to participate in your recovery”. If an alcoholic comes to me and goes “Hey Marisa, can you
take away my alcoholism?” “Yes, if you join me you’ve
got to do things as well. I can help them recover
from almost anything if they participate in the recovery. Not long ago, a son sent
me his narcissistic mother and said she’s driving me
crazy. Please do something. And as I began to work, she said to me “You know, I shan’t listen
to any recording you make me. I said “well” She said “I shan’t listen to it. I don’t listen to anything you know”. And then she said “Nobody
can ever help me”. And I said “You sound really proud of it”. She goes “I am, I’m very proud. People like you can’t help me”. And I felt immensely sorry for her son but when I said again “You’re so proud of the fact that nobody can help you” It did make her stop and think and I just had to go back to
him and go look, you know, I can only help you. Don’t let it in. And surely, after I told
him about his mother and said you must not
let in what she says, he called me and said “You know what, my mother
really surpassed herself. I went to visit her and
as I left she said to me “I hope you get cancer and die, and then you’ll know what its like to be in the kind of pain that I’m in”.” And he said “I looked and went Mom, even for you, that’s a
bit hardcore don’t you think?”. He said “I’m not going to let that in” and he said “I went
away and I thought wow. I would have been on the
floor with pain and sadness that my mother said that and I remembered well its not about me. I don’t have to let it in”. You know that not letting
in other people’s criticism can change your entire life, like that. Because you have a choice. You have a choice when living
with anyone that’s critical or difficult or withholding, to not let it in. One of my clients said recently, “I asked my narcissistic
parent are you proud of me? and they went “For what?
What you have ever done that could make me proud of you?. You haven’t even suffered enough
to understand how I feel.” And now they have a choice. Shall I go away and go wow, I’m so hurt? I asked my parent “Are you proud of me?, and you know I’m working
every day to make them proud. Buying them stuff, giving them stuff, doing stuff. Being a straight A kid and now a straight A adult and they went “Am I
proud of you? For what?” But you have a choice. Don’t let it in. So my best advice for anyone
living with a covert narcissist is don’t let in their criticism. If you’re dating one,
here’s better advice, get out, leave. Do not marry a narcissist. Never let a narcissist
parent your children because they will always be wrong. And you know if they will kill themselves, you know what they say
when they leave a note? Somebody made them wrong. If you are always right, what do you think the other person is? Of course, they are always wrong and, by the way, if this
is ringing bells with you, please like it, please share it. Many people come to me
and say “Wow, I went home and I did what you said. I Googled Narcissistic
Personality Disorder” and then they suddenly
have an ah-ha moment. That’s my Mom, that’s my
Dad, that’s my brother. That’s who they are and I
don’t have to change them I have to change me. You see, when you have a great mind and I promise you have a great mind, you do have a choice. Here’s your choice. Rationalise why I feel so
bad with this difficult covert narcissism or talk myself out of feeling bad. It’s their issue. It
doesn’t have to be my issue. And I want to tell you something else that’s really important. One of the things that is
a major cause of depression is harsh, hurtful, critical words that you hear about
yourself on a daily basis. When you say harsh, hurtful,
critical words to yourself, that will cause depression. When a parent says it, its very likely to make you feel depressed unless you choose to not let it in. So remember the man whose mother said “I hope you get cancer and die”. Remember the mother who said to her kid “You haven’t suffered
enough to be successful. You have to suffer like
me to even understand me”. And each of those who will have a choice. Shall I let those words destroy me or shall I choose to not let it in. Now let me recap very quickly. You cannot change a narcissist. You can’t earn their love, you can’t buy their love, you can’t work for their love. You can’t earn their respect, you can’t buy it, you can’t chase it because they are withholders. Everyone is wrong in the
whole world except for them and a narcissist’s job
is to make you wrong so they can be right and they like that job and they very rarely retire. Occasionally narcissists,
when they lose their looks, get a little bit better,
a little bit easier, a little bit softer. But not always. Do not try to change
them. Change yourself. If they happen to be your parent and you have this duty to be around them be around them less. But if you’re dating one, leave. If you’re about to marry one, reconsider. If you’re thinking of bringing
a child into the world with a narcissist, don’t do it. There’s enough people
you can find love with. Narcissists are hard
work. They are difficult. I have the best therapy
method in the world. We have won so many awards and, even I, very rarely treat narcissists. I did recently work with four
children of a narcissist. She had systematically
damaged each of those kids. I made them so much better. She was absolutely furious
and she banned her husband from bringing them to see me. One of them was bulimic,
one of them was anorexic. And she’d say “Well, why
aren’t you beautiful like me. Look at me. How have I had
these fat, ugly, children I don’t understand Why aren’t you smart like me”. And I worked so hard to
make those kids feel better and it made her so annoyed,
she stopped them coming. And I don’t even work with narcissists. I did it because her husband begged me to. But I knew that she
would step in and stop it because she couldn’t bear me helping them. Because the only person who
could help them was her. And she was never going to help them because everything was wrong with them. She was a perfect parent. They were just ungrateful kids. You get the picture. If you’re living with one
and you can leave, leave. Do not waste any time making them better. And if you can’t leave
and you have to stay because you’re already married and you’ve got children together, work on yourself, work on your kids. Let that person work out their own issue, which they probably never will. I wish you every success. Life is wonderful. Take control of your thoughts. Take control of who you are. Remember the whole law of
control begins like this. Your thoughts control your feelings. Your feelings control your actions, and your actions control your events. And if you started going well, you know, my partner was so critical the day is ruined now. What’s the point? You’ve allowed your thoughts
to dictate your feelings, to dictate your events. And if you decide to go, well that’s a bitter, unhappy, person. But I’m going to choose to
have a great day regardless. That’s going over my head. I don’t have to let it in. Then you are changing your thoughts, which are changing your feelings, which are changing your actions. When you can take
control of your thoughts, your life is amazing. When you can make your thoughts
positive, no matter what, your life is phenomenal. Make your life phenomenal. And remember, help other
people cope better too by liking, sharing, and
subscribing to the channel so I can help you more and you can help other people more. Have a great day. Thanks for tuning in. (soft piano music)

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